Imagine someone at work gave you some really rough feedback. It’s personal. It’s mean. And you're 90% sure it’s not really about your work—they just don’t like you.

Now what?

Do you speak up and defend yourself, knowing it might escalate and make you look defensive or combative? Or do you say nothing—maybe nod politely, take it on the chin, and move on with your day?

When we’re under pressure or facing relational stress, especially the kind that pokes at our sense of self, most of us default to one of two camps you’re already familiar with:

Self-Advocating (Fight): You speak up, directly challenge, and don’t shy away from conflict. It gets issues on the table fast—but can feel aggressive or risky to others.

Prioritizing Harmony (Flight): You aim to keep the peace, avoid conflict, and make space for others. It preserves relationships—but important concerns may go unspoken and can lead to resentment.

The mistake most people make is they pick the one that seems to work for them and never learn how to do the other.

The most productive communicators blend the best of both and approach reacting to stressful situations in a balanced way.

They speak truth with kindness. They challenge ideas with respect. They care about outcomes and people.

How to Respond More Productively

The next time you find yourself truly irked and/or reacting without thinking, try this —

If you need more patience and harmony

• Say: “Let me pause. I’m coming in too hot, and that’s not helping.”

• Do: Ask a clarifying question instead of making a point: “What’s your take on that?”

If you need to be more direct

• Say: “One second, this is hard for me to say, but it matters.”

• Do: Communicate what you want to say, communicate why it matters, then ask a question.

  • E.g., “I’d like to lead this next client meeting. It’s important for my development, and I think I can add value. Can we make that happen?”

Speak truth with care and create harmony while still getting heard.

Thank you for reading and wishing you a successful week.

Warmly,

Scott Henderson